Ghost

Its been one long year since I updated this blog. 

Lets see, if I can recap?

Well dated a soulless ginger, felt that I really had fair-weather friends in Massachusetts save for a VERY select few. Like I could count on one hand.

Then the great decision to move across the country. Which I wish someone had shaken me and told me no. 

Not that I didn’t like the person I thought I was moving in with, and I bet they feel the same about me, but it really hadn’t worked out to my advantage. 

Meaning, the whole person to move out here was to not be alone, to be a part of a family and to help out a friend financially. 

I wasn’t allowed to transfer from site to site and explained this to the future roommate, to which she said that I should move anyway. Since I can just help out with the kids and around the house and get a part time job to pay my car and bills. 

It took me about 2 months to find a job, and it was a soul crushing one at really low pay, considering what I was used to making. I know the cost of living difference and such, but wow. 

When I moved out here I also wasn’t aware of how serious my roommate and the guy she was seeing was, because she didn’t lead me to believe that it was that far advanced. Which basically ended up with the first two weeks out here was “Wooo party, new roommate!” to ” You have no money and therefore are not interesting and I rather hanging out with everyone besides you.” 

This also meant that her and her boyfriend would whole up in her bedroom, go out all the time and never ask if I even wanted to join, also it seemed they started hanging out with people and going to places I didn’t care for. 

I totally understand the fact that her bf was her center of attention, but I also was starting to feel really alone, and without money my options to go out and explore were limited. Since ya know, gotta buy gas and all. 

Then there was the bills, and me running into big financial issues. 

My roommate told me that when I got my job, she spoke to her boy toy and said that she was going to allow me that month to catch up on bills as long as I just bought stuff for the house. 

Fair enough. Right? Until her ex husband stopped paying child support. 

That month of me starting work, my first paycheck, since I was under the impression of that I would buy things for the house, mainly went to groceries. Since she has two little girls and it was a house of four, it mainly was stuff for them. Plus my first check wasn’t that large so it mainly went to the groceries. Which, no one helped me bring into the house, during a hailstorm…

So my next check, I was stoked, I thought I was going to catch up, and then I get a text from a mutual friend. My roommate told this person to text me and to hang out since I had been left alone that weekend. 

Come to find out my roommate was now telling other parties that “Gee I hope she comes through with her share of the rent this month. I really need it.”

So, not only does that make me go “WTF?” but also makes me look like a moochy douche. Which I had already felt like, since she wouldn’t let me help with the kids, nor house, and felt like I was a burden and in her way. 

So that really hurt, and I had to confront her, since learning that she doesn’t like confrontation. We discussed rent and such and for whatever reason she was under an impression that I was making a lot more money than I actually was. Cost of living difference and all. 

So we spoke about her never being around, and not seeming like they wanted me around, to which the boyfriend tried to jump in a few times, but hey sir, sorry, this doesn’t concern you, and you’re lying anyway talking about how you never go out. I can read, I see Facebook and all the stuff you check into. DUH.

But, back to that discussion. I thought we had come to an understanding. 

Then things just get weirder and weirder, like Im really not part of the house. Move my things out of the way, push all my stuff to one side or get annoyed if I put things in the fridge. Like how dare i take up room. 

Although its ok to watch her kids, or something. 

And yes, I am still pretty much housebound because I don’t have money to go out. They too also cry broke, but they have beer funds and go out for hikes and drives. Sorry I’m single and trying to get my life back on track since I completely uprooted it for me and YOU.

Five months. Five months I had been out here, and her and I have hung out only twice by ourselves. 

And seems like the only time she actually hunts me down to talk to me is when rent is due.  Which is her freaking out about it since

first month: Ex husband isn’t giving child support

second month: its her 6 month anniversary and she’s broke.

third month: Its her bf bday and its an off pay week for her. (also to this, I wasn’t even told they were having a party at the house, nor was I invited)

fourth month: She over drafted her account. This she told me openly. 

Now when it comes to rent, its not due until the 1st of the month. She wants it on the third week of the month. Which if we look at September that is the 15th. I have to relinquish my whole paycheck to her on that week and screw myself over because… And she tells me that its to avoid a penalty, of a $5 charge for paying the rent ate. 

Now before I moved here, we would talk all the time, and she would always comment on paying the rent late. Since I’ve been here, it was month 3 that she demanded rent to pay it that day, and when i came home she told me she had just worked a 12 hour shift. Which means 6am-6pm, so how did you pay the rent with the bank closed?

Month four, I TOOK her to pay the rent, and guess which day it was? the first of the month. So what she tells me is she likes to pay it a week in advance. I have yet to see that.

Now this month, yes there are some things in which I am to blame for. 

Like the cats and me not knowing that one is peeing over a drain in the laundry room. I personally don’t work from home and cannot monitor the ins and outs of things happening at home for 9 hours. I legit thought it was since it was so warm the cat box was just stinky. I never saw any urine, and I at one point thought it was on the rug. Which I scoured and still didn’t find anything. So hence my logic. 

Alsoooo, I am assigned to weed pulling duty. If you have seen the yard, its essentially more weeds than anything. Plus in my state of depression, not the greatest excuse and Im not too proud of this attitude, but I honestly didn’t feel like doing all this manual labour, while getting my ass reamed out for early money to cover her overdrafts for a place that didn’t feel like it was my home. 

I still have a lot of stuff boxed up, and my belongings are confined to one room. So, I pay one third of the rent, for one fifth of the space. 

And when I am concerned about legal issues with my finances, its met with don’t worry. 

Im getting ahead of myself, so back to this month. 

She’s annoyed, rightly so, of that laundry room. Well shit, if I cant see it, and didn’t know it was happening, what can I fix?

So meanwhile she just stewed and stewed and bitched about me on Facebook, even blocked some of her posts so I cannot see them, yet mutual friends ask me “so is this about you?”

Plus she was upset I didn’t have all her rent by the third week. 

Which I once again had to confront her, and I said Im sorry if it seemed like I said I wasn’t giving you rent this month. I am, I just don’t have all of it this week. Which she was pissed about, then I tried to explain that listen, I needed to make a payment to xyz so that I don’t get in trouble. Which she replied that, so they’ll just garnish it from your wages no big deal. 

No big deal… So you just want your rent, I get half of my check taken away every pay cycle and left with nothing ot live on after I give you rent… no big deal. That was like a slap in the face. Honestly, please tell me how me asking you to let me pay you before the first so I can make sure Im not screwing my life up is such a horrible thing of me to ask from a friend? Because she was painting the whole Im a horrible person, and shes a victim picture to everyone, as so im told. 

So after that we talked about some stuff and she gave me the whole she misses her friend speech. Not like I haven’t been around, and Im not busy, ever…  And there’s been effort on my end. So I basically told her, yeah speaking of that, in the whole five months I’ve been here, we’ve hung out twice. 

She looks at me blankly and goes quietly “yeah that’s shitty.” 

That talk seemed to air out some stuff, but I did tell her that when you stew, and you don’t talk to me, how am I to know whats going on? You not speaking to me due to your fear of confrontation is all on you, not me. You;re causing this. 

The talk seemed to kind of help. For now. 

Until today when I got smacked with a passive aggressive hit in the face. 

Her daughter was being a moody McGee and she told her (and she told me this) just because other people treat me like shit and talk smack about me, doesn’t mean you have to. 

In my head I’m like, I don’t talk smack, I just don’t know why everything I do is so wrong and sets you off so much? And since she doesn’t like to talk to me, maybe its just me and I should leave?

Which then brings me to, reaching out to my relatives….

I tried to talk to my cousin, since she lives in a state that a friend of mine said she could get me a decent paying job in,  and ask for help until I can get on my own feet. Just a place to sleep and keep the cats, nothing permanent. And when I said I might just show up on her door, she replied well forewarn me when you do because I might want to runaway myself. 

I basically am not wanted anywhere, have no place to go and Im so sick to my stomach of trying and failing and disgusted that Im so alone. 

I don’t know why I keep trucking, but god, I want to end it all because this pain is getting to be too much for me these days. 

My name is Keyser Soze

I like to drop off the face of the earth now and then. Its what I do best. 

But I think its because Im completely and utterly forgettable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me something pretty and flowery to cheer me up, but the proof is in the pudding as it were. Bad things happen to bad people too. And thats my plight. 

But back to the point, I have some new content to throw on here. 

Which I may do write up over the weekend then add it here on Monday. 

Its kind of nice having a blog, since I have no friends to hang out with, no significant other, and stuck carless at home day after day for what is this now? 4 months… Lordy, not sure how I haven’t lost my picnic basket and done myself in. Yeesh.

Message in a bottle

Captains log:

Still stuck at home.
Had the worst kidney pain in my life Friday night. A coworker told me that I need to get that looked at.

Well, I don’t have a ride to the doctor, don’t have a ride to the pharmacy. Every cent is being saved for this new car because it needs to happen ASAP!!

Although, I don’t know if I should save and struggle like I am or get an auto loan through capital one?

I found a two cars,
One is a 2008 yaris sedan ones a 2009 yaris hatchback.

Hatchback:
2009
56+k miles
1 owner
Is $11k
Clean car fax

Sedan:
2008
43k miles
$8800
Clean carfax

The only thing is that I do have a 20% deposit now for the sedan, but not quite at the place for the hatchback. It’s like 200 off.
Not to mention sales tax and 75 for registration. Also need to switch my ct license to mass. :((
The place that has the hatchback can finance me, the sedan I’m not sure about.

People tell me to go look, and talk to them, well ok, HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET THERE??
That’s usually what I want to say but people are selfish and can’t think past themselves. Especially my friends that claim to be all religious… Flowery words do not make you a good person in the eyes of your god, good kind acts do. Or is that the difference between Christian and Catholics? Christians are devout yet most I’ve met are selfish to the core where as Catholics are not good church goers but we try our damnedest to act decently.

Ok how did I get here?

I swear all the stress is making me lose my mind and memory.

And I don’t feel like reactivating the Facebook page anytime soon.
Still very hurt and pissed by people telling me one thing then posting another. Stupid arseholes.

So if anyone wants to contact me,
Agentdouble0dork@gmail.com
Also I reopened my okcupid account… I doubt ill ever find anyone buy free drinks and awkward conversations until then.

Weekend updated with Bored McDonnel

I’m alive. Don’t want to be. I’m effing miserable.

I have no car yet, stuck at home, I feel like when people need me I’m so popular but when I need someone and honestly all I’m asking for is a friggin hug and or a drive around to get my out of the house and ease my mind.

These are all things that I guess are too much to ask for.
Duly noted. I will totally remember these things in the future.

Oh and why am I so miserable?
I’m being summoned to court and being legally forced to change my name and get off of insurance I’m the primary of…

Thanks James. I hope you and the harlot you knocked up are happy. Oh and does she know you like to hit when you’re stressed or frustrated? Might be information you should tell her. Just saying.

If ever

If ever I needed a friend the time would be now.

But I’m stuck here. Home alone.

This is no way of life. This is no way to exist.

Hence, gotta stop existing.

Hiatus.

Deleting Facebook, not sure about Instagram, hardly ever touch twitter.

I’m in one foul state of depression and I need to get away from all the happy people in love, getting married, getting engaged, having children, etc etc etc.

Just makes me feel that much more alone in the world. And yeah people can say I am not, but its true.

I have no family.
Have a few friends that are scattered across the globe.

I haven’t had a proper hug or physical affection ( no not sex) in 3 years.

I’m horribly detached from society and not having a vehicle had made it worse.

I have seven weeks until I’d even be able to put a down payment and sales tax and registration on a car.

I have no way of getting to and from work, seeing as how my one ride seems like he really doesn’t want to transport me. Which is fine. Just sucks for me.

My job is not forgiving, I cannot call out nor switch shifts. And if I do call out ill be fired before I know it.

That just brings me to the cats.
I don’t want them to be homeless.
Me I could really give a shit about, but the cats I worry.
They are such good boys. Sweet and loving and not without their quirks. But they are also old.

So of I had to bring them to a shelter I feel like I’d be condemning them.

I wish my estranged husband wasn’t such a stubborn arse and would help and not just under his conditions.

Downward Spiral?

I think I can go out safely onto yonder limb, and just admit that I am depressed.

Like, not feeling down, hum drum depressed.
More like, cry myself to sleep, cry at work in the bathroom, anxiety attacks in my sleep depressed.

Starting to think they should come take me away ha ha ho ho hee hee.

I’m alone because I’m not good for anyone, myself included.

Throw ya hands up!

I give up.

Sick of hunting for something that doesn’t exist.

I had a chance at a life and love and I ruined that right quick.

Oh well, maybe ill get it right in another life.

I deserve not a thing. 
Hence why I have no one.

I deserve not a thing.
Hence why I have no one.

Radio silence.

So yeah, I know I deactivated my Facebook account and some people think I’m either mad or fell off the face of the earth,

Needlessly to say, neither or the reason.

When I get into a dark state of depression, I shut down and hole myself up away from everyone as much as I can.

The last week has not been pretty.
The car situation is stressing me out.
I was supposed to get assistance with a deposit on a car. But that source is toying with me and it hurts. Now I’m just scrimping and saving and it’s hurting my bills, and then scrounging for rides to work is painful. And I feel like these people are getting annoyed to transport me to work and home.

I’m hoping to possibly have enough come mid may. But not sure how that’s looking.

Just writing this is making me cry.
I’m so sick of struggling and struggling and seems for everyone else things are so easy or they just are lucky.

I wish I could start my life over again. Then I wouldn’t be the walking gong show I am today.

Dork Side