Ghost

My name is Keyser Soze

I like to drop off the face of the earth now and then. Its what I do best. 

But I think its because Im completely and utterly forgettable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me something pretty and flowery to cheer me up, but the proof is in the pudding as it were. Bad things happen to bad people too. And thats my plight. 

But back to the point, I have some new content to throw on here. 

Which I may do write up over the weekend then add it here on Monday. 

Its kind of nice having a blog, since I have no friends to hang out with, no significant other, and stuck carless at home day after day for what is this now? 4 months… Lordy, not sure how I haven’t lost my picnic basket and done myself in. Yeesh.

Message in a bottle

Captains log:

Still stuck at home.
Had the worst kidney pain in my life Friday night. A coworker told me that I need to get that looked at.

Well, I don’t have a ride to the doctor, don’t have a ride to the pharmacy. Every cent is being saved for this new car because it needs to happen ASAP!!

Although, I don’t know if I should save and struggle like I am or get an auto loan through capital one?

I found a two cars,
One is a 2008 yaris sedan ones a 2009 yaris hatchback.

Hatchback:
2009
56+k miles
1 owner
Is $11k
Clean car fax

Sedan:
2008
43k miles
$8800
Clean carfax

The only thing is that I do have a 20% deposit now for the sedan, but not quite at the place for the hatchback. It’s like 200 off.
Not to mention sales tax and 75 for registration. Also need to switch my ct license to mass. :((
The place that has the hatchback can finance me, the sedan I’m not sure about.

People tell me to go look, and talk to them, well ok, HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET THERE??
That’s usually what I want to say but people are selfish and can’t think past themselves. Especially my friends that claim to be all religious… Flowery words do not make you a good person in the eyes of your god, good kind acts do. Or is that the difference between Christian and Catholics? Christians are devout yet most I’ve met are selfish to the core where as Catholics are not good church goers but we try our damnedest to act decently.

Ok how did I get here?

I swear all the stress is making me lose my mind and memory.

And I don’t feel like reactivating the Facebook page anytime soon.
Still very hurt and pissed by people telling me one thing then posting another. Stupid arseholes.

So if anyone wants to contact me,
Agentdouble0dork@gmail.com
Also I reopened my okcupid account… I doubt ill ever find anyone buy free drinks and awkward conversations until then.

Weekend updated with Bored McDonnel

I’m alive. Don’t want to be. I’m effing miserable.

I have no car yet, stuck at home, I feel like when people need me I’m so popular but when I need someone and honestly all I’m asking for is a friggin hug and or a drive around to get my out of the house and ease my mind.

These are all things that I guess are too much to ask for.
Duly noted. I will totally remember these things in the future.

Oh and why am I so miserable?
I’m being summoned to court and being legally forced to change my name and get off of insurance I’m the primary of…

Thanks James. I hope you and the harlot you knocked up are happy. Oh and does she know you like to hit when you’re stressed or frustrated? Might be information you should tell her. Just saying.

If ever

If ever I needed a friend the time would be now.

But I’m stuck here. Home alone.

This is no way of life. This is no way to exist.

Hence, gotta stop existing.

Hiatus.

Deleting Facebook, not sure about Instagram, hardly ever touch twitter.

I’m in one foul state of depression and I need to get away from all the happy people in love, getting married, getting engaged, having children, etc etc etc.

Just makes me feel that much more alone in the world. And yeah people can say I am not, but its true.

I have no family.
Have a few friends that are scattered across the globe.

I haven’t had a proper hug or physical affection ( no not sex) in 3 years.

I’m horribly detached from society and not having a vehicle had made it worse.

I have seven weeks until I’d even be able to put a down payment and sales tax and registration on a car.

I have no way of getting to and from work, seeing as how my one ride seems like he really doesn’t want to transport me. Which is fine. Just sucks for me.

My job is not forgiving, I cannot call out nor switch shifts. And if I do call out ill be fired before I know it.

That just brings me to the cats.
I don’t want them to be homeless.
Me I could really give a shit about, but the cats I worry.
They are such good boys. Sweet and loving and not without their quirks. But they are also old.

So of I had to bring them to a shelter I feel like I’d be condemning them.

I wish my estranged husband wasn’t such a stubborn arse and would help and not just under his conditions.

Downward Spiral?

I think I can go out safely onto yonder limb, and just admit that I am depressed.

Like, not feeling down, hum drum depressed.
More like, cry myself to sleep, cry at work in the bathroom, anxiety attacks in my sleep depressed.

Starting to think they should come take me away ha ha ho ho hee hee.

I’m alone because I’m not good for anyone, myself included.

Throw ya hands up!

I give up.

Sick of hunting for something that doesn’t exist.

I had a chance at a life and love and I ruined that right quick.

Oh well, maybe ill get it right in another life.

I deserve not a thing. 
Hence why I have no one.

I deserve not a thing.
Hence why I have no one.

Radio silence.

So yeah, I know I deactivated my Facebook account and some people think I’m either mad or fell off the face of the earth,

Needlessly to say, neither or the reason.

When I get into a dark state of depression, I shut down and hole myself up away from everyone as much as I can.

The last week has not been pretty.
The car situation is stressing me out.
I was supposed to get assistance with a deposit on a car. But that source is toying with me and it hurts. Now I’m just scrimping and saving and it’s hurting my bills, and then scrounging for rides to work is painful. And I feel like these people are getting annoyed to transport me to work and home.

I’m hoping to possibly have enough come mid may. But not sure how that’s looking.

Just writing this is making me cry.
I’m so sick of struggling and struggling and seems for everyone else things are so easy or they just are lucky.

I wish I could start my life over again. Then I wouldn’t be the walking gong show I am today.

Nah nah nah, hey hey goodbye!

Obviously I’m a horribly patient person.

But I think I’ve run out of patience and too lazy to summon the back up.

Was blown off on my birthday, and then actually hung out with him when I got back. He apologized and said he felt bad.
Sure yeah, cause not texting me the day off certainly proved how bad you felt.
Then he asks when he’ll see me again.
Well, when you decide to get off yer fat arse and get me….
To which on the Saturday, two days after he asked when he would see, is on call, working in a town that is halfway between where he lives and I live.
He tells me he wishes there was a way I could be teleported to his house later….
Are you fucking kidding me??

And yet he’s going to whinge about how sad he’ll be if I move to CT…

Now I don’t know if he’s bipolar or just messing with me. Or living in one hell of a state of arrested development… Since he’s 6 years older and complains about how he needs to get his stuff together.
Oh and wants to move and travel but is scared of being alone in a new environment.

Oh well… I need someone who’s ambitious, is adventurous and not a whinger.

The more I see, the more I am turned off.

So, so long, fair well, piss off.

Dork Side